Fifteen days bago mag-Valentines, ayun, at modang emo kami ni Ausie sa text. Tapos napunta usapan namin sa pagpapahanap ko sa kanya ng kadate.

Ausie: Sabi nila ang pag-ibig daw ay tulad ng isang paru-paro. Mailap kapag hinahanap. Muwahahahaha!

Bebs: E kung sabihin kong ang pag-ibig ay parang prosti, dapat binubugaw! O ano. Buwaha.

Lovet? Eto pa. Modang emo uli ako, this time with Icang. Ayun pinag-usapan uli ang mga bagay-bagay tungkol sa mga maling taong pinapatulan para lang magkaroon ng boyfriend.

Icang: Bat nagsasayang ng oras sa mali?

Bebs: Mas sayang ang oras sa paghihintay sa tama na di dadating.

Weeeeh. Wala lang. Share lang.

a scream i heard from the
painful chaos afar from
where i stood.
the smell of frozen soil too
putrid to hear my
breath then melting.
for sleep was elusive, shadows
of ponderance upon me cast.
such longing for
impossibility i break
then felt my hour fallen.

<copyright 2007>

Some friends tell me I'm awful. Because that's the truth.  They insist my fashion statement sucks and my hair is ready for burial.  They believe my addiction for looking like an addict is adorable. They know I can pass up as a Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean, Taiwanese and I am not any of those.

This group of friends know that my greatest fear is getting old.  And they often kill me by haunting me with that fear.  They know I'm a slave-driver and they worship me for it. 

And they think they know me well.

Another group of friends think I'm promiscuous. They think I always paint the town red and scatter my lust around every corner of the universe.  They think I'm a golddigger but ask for a share of whatever I get.

Some friends, I knew a lifetime ago.  By fate's ridiculous twist, we met again and are starting to build our bridges again. Sure, it was fun spending time with them again. Just that, am not sure how long the fun's going to sustain itself. After a while, we don't have anything else to talk about except the past and what have become of our other friends.

Suddenly, we found ourselves not knowing one other after all. And it will take another lifetime to build things again.

A few friends, though we've known one another for long time, don't know what I've become anymore. They think I'm still the same and judged me so passionately wrong I regretted having known them.

And there are some friends who don't know I just patronize them.  They've been helpful to me in some ways, no doubt. But I know they never believed in the great things that I'm capable of achieving. Because they put too much glory on someone who's worse than a monster.  That fact, they didn't know. 

That monster never leave the house without putting on his masks.  These so-called friends? All they see of him is a saint who never had evil in his veins.

What my friends say about me does matter.  How they see me weighs heavier than how I see them.  But if for a long time, some of my friends never had faith in me and see me as a belittled, stupid artist that I will never be, might as well never see them.

I'm happy I'm starting to learn that.  And my life is more peaceful without them.

Woo. Am gonna sing this on Valentine's Day!

Jill Sobule, you're a genius! Yeah.

BITTER
Jill Sobule

I could slip, I could fall
In that mean and awful hall
With the other jealous bitches
And the bitter grumbling men

I could sneer, I could glare say that
life is so unfair And the one who
made it, made it `Cuz her breasts
were really big

Well I don't wanna get bitter
I don't wanna turn cruel
I don't wanna get old before I have to

I could bitch, I could moan
Say I want to be left alone
But that's not really true,
Because I like my time with you

Till you rant and you rave
Wishing fat folks to their grave
But I feel sorry for them
You say they get what they deserve

Well I don't wanna get bitter
I don't wanna turn cruel
I don't wanna get old before I have to

I don't wanna get jaded
Petrified and weighted
I don't wanna get bitter like you
Like you, with the darts in your eyes
Like you, with disdain for mankind
I was charmed, now I wonder

Well I don't wanna get bitter
I don't wanna turn cruel
I don't wanna get old before I have to
So I'll smile with the rest
I'll wish everyone the best
And know the one who made it,
Made it cuz she was actually pretty good
Well I don't wanna get bitter
I don't wanna turn cruel
I don't wanna get old before I have to

Panoorin niyo entry ko ha tapos palakpakan niyo na rin kahit di kayo nagandahan o di niyo gusto. "Doghouse" ang title. Feb 13, Tuesday, 1pm, sa CCP Dream Theater. 

Eto ang full sked.

Schedule: IKA-19 GAWAD CCP PARA SA ALTERNATIBONG PELIKULA AT VIDEO February 13 – 16, 2007 at the CCP Dream Theater
(Tanghalang Manuel Conde)

ADMISSION IS FREE!

13 Feb/Tue
10AM
(no screening)

1PM
Short Feature Entries 1:
Doghouse / Jose / Litanya / Saling
Pusa / Lapis at Papel / Impen / Malas /
Bestfriends / Carpool / Pagbugtaw
(Waking Up) / Kariton / Ang Kapalaran ni
Virgin Mario / Ikasiyam na Palapag
(Ninth Floor) / Kung ang Tula ay Pwedeng
Pambili ng Lalaki / Tatlong Piso / Ang
Pagbabalik

4PM
Documentary Entries 1:
Piso at Monumento / Buhay sa Patay /
Bunker O: Sumirib Plus / Ciao Gian
Luca! /
Making Group Sex / Ruta ni Ka Roda /
Buhay Bangkero / Graveyard Shift /
Medalawna / Sinulog for Beginners /
Batang Ballroom

7PM
Opening Film:
BEHIND IMAHE NASYON
By Jon Red

14 Feb/Wed
10AM
Short Feature Entries 2:
Takipsilim / Klepto / Pinakamagandang
Pelikula / One-Man Show / Adam's
Family /
Eros / Manyika (Doll) / Yayay /
Misteryo ng Hapis (Sorrowful Mystery) /
Lababo
(Kitchen Sink)

1PM
Documentary Entries 2:
Ossie: A Sinulog Photographer** /
Musika at Bulag / Boxingera / Mama/San /
Portrait: Rediscovering A Filipino Film
Classic / Sa Pusod ng Bundok / Sa Villa
Cristo Rey / Sa Kanlungan ni Ina **

4PM
Short Feature Entries 3:
Tagapagligtas / Inertia / Lakaran

7PM
Animation Entries:
Target / Spider's Thread / Dok / Egg-
O / Ang Pagkaplag / Row your Boat /
Dream
Systems
A Day In The Life Of Gloria Arroyo /
Buhay Bato d/w New Animation from
Indonesia
from hellofest (Jakarta)

15 Feb/Thu
10AM
Documentary Entries 3:
Bantay Riles / Kunyang / Sa Patay, sa
buhay (In Death, In life) / Da Dou Sai
Mau
(WTO, Ibasura!; Junk WTO!) / Lukso

1PM
Short Feature Entries 4:
Wish Ko Lang / Gabon (Cloud) /
Sikolohikal na Armas ni Juan dela
Cruz / OFW -
Bagong Bayani o Baliw na Bayani / Dead
Letter / Geegee at Waterina / Hinagap

4PM
Documentary Entries 4:
Memories of the Sea / Walai ** /
Syokoy**

7PM
Experimental Entries:
Sakdal Laya / Lang / It Feels Good To
Be Alive / Cuatro / WWIII / Makibaka Wag
Matakot / Transcendental Progression /
Simula / Mga Bagay na may Pakpak / Sa
Pagdating sa Bawat Sandali ng Mga
Bangungot / Doble Vista / Mr. Holiday
Wants To
Die / Spill / Attack Rate / Revolt of
the Hymen

16 Feb/Fri
10AM
Short Feature Entries 5:
Maria Milagros Barborosa / Alagwa
(Breaking Free) / Ang Obrang 'Di Tapos /
Murphy's Law

7PM
Awards Ceremony

FREE ADMISSION!

For more information, please call CCP
Media Arts at 8321125 locals 1702, 1704
&
1705 or email film@....

May bagong dahilan para bumilis ang aking pagtibok. Sa bawat segundo na naririnig ko ang boses mo sa kabilang linya ng mundo.  Dalawang gabi na rin pala tayong nakababad sa isang birtwal na espasyo at sabay tayong nabigla nung matuklasan nating may isang taong nagbubuklod pala sa ating dalawa.  Ni hindi ko inasahang kayo pala.

Siya, na isang beses ko lang nakadaupang laman.  Siya, na hindi mo iniyakan pero nagbigay sa'yo ng pagkakataong mahulog sa muntik na pagkamatay.

Ikaw, na kelan ko lang nakilala.

Andami na pala nating napag-usapan.  At hindi ko mapigilang manalig na sana. Sana may pagkakataon para sa ating dalawa.

Ganito na namna ako. Nananalig sa isang walang hanggang sana.

Pero, bukas uli ha? Tawag ka.

nalagas na ang mga ugat
mula sa di dumadaloy na
tagsibol.
nahimlay na
ang hapong mga paa
mula sa lihim na
paglalakbay.
natinag na ang mga
bakal
na nakabalot sa mga
tuyong dahon mula
sa aking mga mata.

lumipas na lahat.
(nguni't wala ka pa.)

1.  I'm a snob.  Or they just don't know I exist.

2.  They think I'm a crossdresser. Being associated with crossdressers embarass them.  Ego has no medicine.

3.  They think I'm a drug addict.  Me with disheveled hair, red eyes in shorts, dirty shirt and slippers.

4.  My face is so oily their morning hotdog is ready for frying. On my face.

5.  I don't have a car.

6.  If I'm with a gorgeous gay man, I won't pass as his boyfriend.  His shoes are a lot cleaner than the whole of me.

7.  I'm sarcastic and has an odd sense of humor. *evil grin*

8.  I'm deep. They have to dig me or they'll drown.

9.  I'm too monsterish for their taste.

10.  Because I lust after them.  Unrequited attraction has become a lifestyle.

1.  They're pieces of eye candies. That's indisputable.

2.  They're our pegs for perfection.  Fair-skinned [the more albino-ish, the better], chiseled body, neat face, designer outfits [including branded clothes bought in used clothing stores], flashy smile as promoted by our favorite magazines and season fashion shows.  Anyone beyond that peg is considered a mutant.

3.  They're high maintenance but not necessarily self-sufficient.

4.  A number of them are rich. Or their parents are rich.  Or their grandparents are richer.  Otherwise, if a gorgeous gay man looks rich but is actually poor, he's a social climber.

5.  They're definitely trophy boyfriends.  Either I, as a partner, am the envy of the world or he's my boyfriend by virtue of a shotgun affair.

6.  They're almost like gods I tend to forget that they fart and shit and pick their booger with their pink finger.

7.  I wish they die young lest, see them get ugly when they reach 40.

8.  They're living proof that some boys have all the luck.

9.  They're one-dimensional.  They exist to be physically adored.  They live to be lust after.  As gorgeous men, it's not acceptable that they're talented or artistic.  They're plainly gorgeous.

10.  Gorgeous gay men are my constant reminder why God gave me the brains.  Or not.

sa pagsasanib ng
aking panaginip at
ng hamog ng malamig
na gabi,
nakahimlay rin sa aking
tabi ang dilim
ng pagkakataong
maramdaman ka.

isang pagpikit at
mabubura na ang
dampi ng iyong
pagbabalik.